Make whatever the hell noise you want if it gets you off, but when in doubt, play it safe. “Yes”, “Oh baby”, and the more general m*ans and groans are the best ways of conveying your enjoyment. I’ve occasionally tried to break the mould with a “whoopie”, “hurray” and even once an “arriba”, but none of these have been well received
“How’s the family?”
Even if you’re someone who loves a chit-chat, now is not the time to talk about their mum, whether the laundry needs doing or how that work meeting went. Apparently, it’s relatively obvious to most people that s*x is not a time to catch up, but it took me a while to learn that.
Obviously, apologise if you’ve accidentally caused physical or emotional harm. That’s just common decency. But don’t let British culture trick you into constantly apologising for things like clumsiness. You do you, and do it with pride
“I’m just trying to remember the last time I showered”
I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’ll just come out with it – some s*xual acts are only welcome post-shower. Like, right after showering. I’m talking tuchis-lingus, rim-jobs, arse licking – whatever the kids are calling it these days. But vocally pondering when you last scrubbed up is always a turn off. Either just commit to the act or politely decline their request to lingus your tuchis.
“You can if you want”
But what do YOU want? It’s always best to be confident and clear in bed. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and voice what you don’t want. If it’s something you’re enjoying, give it a hearty “oh yesss”, as though they’re fulfilling a life-long dream. But if it’s something you don’t want – make that clear. “Not tonight”, “why don’t we do this instead” or, “you haven’t got a chance in hell, pal.” Just avoid indifference – no-one’s a mind-reader
“How many people have you slept with”
Don’t get me wrong, asking about s*xual health is an absolute must with a new partner, or even a recurring one. I’ve been known to ask guys if they’ve ever had a cold-sore before the first snog. But always get the S T I discussion out of the way BEFORE s*x starts, not as an afterthought. Ditto your ‘number’. It’s a sensitive issue that might not be ideal for mid-s*x.