There is a general consensus that good s*x should make a bit of a racket *. I have made numerous vocal attempts to spice things up in the b*dr**m. But for all my efforts to ace what we might call ‘au ral’ s*x, I often end up saying the wrong thing. In sharing my most emb*rrassing b*dr**m blunders, I hope to save you from putting your foot in your mouth during s*x-chat, unless of course that’s a position you’re into.
Below are 10 Things You Should Never Say During S * x
You’re not h a r d en0ugh”
We’ve all been there. It’s just not g*ing in and you both know why. In this awkward scenario, occasionally, a little white lie is in order. Just pretend it doesn’t fit, it’s easier this way and no one’s feelings get hurt.
Are you going to c o m e?”
AKA, “Are you nearly d0ne?” Maybe your Big O has passed, or maybe you’re just getting a bit snoozy and hangry. Either way, pressure is no-ones friend in the bedr**m. Try switching up positions to suit you, or subtly asking, “is there anything you want me to do?” Or, you know, just be honest and say you’re not feeling it. That or fake needing a we.e
“That wasn’t a fart”
Why do certain s*x positions make noises that sound embarrassingly similar to flatulence? However mortifying this may be, just have a laugh and move on. It’s totally normal. Don’t do what I once did after a loud air-expulsion and try to pretend that’s the “sound your orgasms make”. No one’s buying it. 

Make whatever the hell noise you want if it gets you off, but when in doubt, play it safe. “Yes”, “Oh baby”, and the more general m*ans and groans are the best ways of conveying your enjoyment. I’ve occasionally tried to break the mould with a “whoopie”, “hurray” and even once an “arriba”, but none of these have been well received
“How’s the family?”
Even if you’re someone who loves a chit-chat, now is not the time to talk about their mum, whether the laundry needs doing or how that work meeting went. Apparently, it’s relatively obvious to most people that s*x is not a time to catch up, but it took me a while to learn that.

Obviously, apologise if you’ve accidentally caused physical or emotional harm. That’s just common decency. But don’t let British culture trick you into constantly apologising for things like clumsiness. You do you, and do it with pride

“I’m just trying to remember the last time I showered”
I don’t know how to put this delicately, so I’ll just come out with it – some s*xual acts are only welcome post-shower. Like, right after showering. I’m talking tuchis-lingus, rim-jobs, arse licking – whatever the kids are calling it these days. But vocally pondering when you last scrubbed up is always a turn off. Either just commit to the act or politely decline their request to lingus your tuchis.

“You can if you want”
But what do YOU want? It’s always best to be confident and clear in bed. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and voice what you don’t want. If it’s something you’re enjoying, give it a hearty “oh yesss”, as though they’re fulfilling a life-long dream. But if it’s something you don’t want – make that clear. “Not tonight”, “why don’t we do this instead” or, “you haven’t got a chance in hell, pal.” Just avoid indifference – no-one’s a mind-reader

“How many people have you slept with”
Don’t get me wrong, asking about s*xual health is an absolute must with a new partner, or even a recurring one. I’ve been known to ask guys if they’ve ever had a cold-sore before the first snog. But always get the S T I discussion out of the way BEFORE s*x starts, not as an afterthought. Ditto your ‘number’. It’s a sensitive issue that might not be ideal for mid-s*x.

I forgot to warn you…”
Or “I forgot to warn you…”. On your peri0d? Need to take extra precaution because you skipped your pill? Need to be out of there by 10pm to get some work done? Spiut it out. You will never see a partner as terrified as when you say “I should probably warn you…” as they’re peeling off your undies.

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