a scenario played out in bedrooms across the globe: One person makes a
move, and the other bats them away, saying, “Not tonight.” But what do
you do when your partner’s rarely — if ever — in the mood? How do you
handle being the partner with the amped-up libido?
the good news. You don’t have to resign yourself to a life of s*xual
frustration. There are solutions — if you’re willing to work at it.
What affects a person’s s*x drive?
drive is fluid and individual and can go up and down due to stress,
energy levels, body image, well-being and the state of the relationship.
It can also reflect medical issues, like sleep disorders and hormonal
While everyone’s s*x drive is unique, there is a s*xual scale. For some people, s*x is paramount; others crave it much less.
Australian s*xologist Dr. Nikki Goldstein explains, “We’re all different people with different desires.”
York s*x therapist Dr. Stephen Snyder agrees and links desire to
libido. “Drives are things like hunger and thirst that we’d die of if we
didn’t satisfy. Nobody dies from lack of s*x.
[s*x therapists] tend to think of libido as a capacity to respond to
something you find s*xy with desire or arousal,” he tells SheKnows.
experts say it’s common for one partner to have a higher libido than
the other, but according to Goldstein, “It doesn’t mean you’re
incompatible, and it’s not something to be fearful of.”
men are stereotyped as the pursuers, the reverse is also common. As
Goldstein puts it, the myth is men are goal-oriented — “or
hole-oriented, if you will!” — and women feel obligated. She believes
for many couples, the issue isn’t libido, but rather boredom.
have creative minds, and many want to explore their se*uality, but why
would they keep doing something if they’re not getting satisfaction out
of it?” she says.
Not only that, but women tend to lose desire unless someone is giving them something worth desiring, Snyder adds.
same goes for men. Boredom as well as issues like erect!le dysfunction,
P0*n overuse, loss of confidence and relationship stress can all cause a
man’s libido to cool.
time, those differences in desire can take an emotional toll on a
relationship, as one partner feels constantly rejected and the other
tired of fending off s*xual advances.
As a couple, Snyder says, it’s important to recognize the negative cycle you’re in so you can work on getting out of it.
you’re feeling s*xually unsatisfied in your relationship, communication
is crucial — and Goldstein says to offer specific suggestions. Instead
of just letting your partner know you’re not happy, “tell them what to
do so there are no guessing games.”
Snyder points out people want s*x for a number of reasons: looking for
an climax, attention, reassurance or to feel close to their partner.
His advice is to figure out what your motivations are and then frame them in a positive way (rather than a complaint).
gives an example that’s as simple as saying, “I think if we had s*x
once a week, that would make me feel better about myself and us.” By
solving emotional issues, you’ll be one step closer to a more synced-up